'Til Then...

                         there were tears in his eyes when he kissed the little boys goodbye...

                         my heart almost stopped. It was a moment I didn't want to see come...

                         his words were filled with gratitude, yet his smile filled with regret--

                         ...regret that he will miss those fun and lovely family weekends,

                         ...regret that he won't be around to witness the boys' firsts--

                         --their first steps, first words, first birthdays.

                         my parents have left and we had a tearful parting...

                         we will miss them, but they will miss us more...

                         yet again, I now have something to look forward to--

                         --the day they will return, the day we will be together once again.

                         until then...

Today

I was checking my emails and he was right beside me in his bouncer, staring at his fingers (which he does a lot lately).  I only glanced at my monitor and after a split nanosecond I looked at him again and saw his nose bleeding.  He scratched his nose--no, he sliced it with his fingernail.  He sliced it pretty bad and it wouldn't stop bleeding so I had to put a little band-aid on it.  Lucas had his first injury today.

I try to keep up with his fast-growing fingernails by trimming it once in every two or three days.  I remember just trimming them the other day right after I gave him a bath.  I guess I have to do it more often.  We don't put mittens on him because it hinders his ability to explore.

I know that kids are prone to injuries so this is going to be the first of many.  As a mom, all I can do is be prepared for it and take precautions.

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I received an email from the editor of Schmap.com--an online city guide (similar to citysearch.com).  They wanted to publish a link to one of my photos on their website.   To see it, click here or just go to Schmap.com, select San Francisco, then Conservatory of Flowers and browse through the photos.  There are so many photos, you may not see it if you're not patient enough but it's there!  =)

To some photographers, this is nothing.  But to me, it's quite something.  At least one website editor (or staff) recognized my work and I'd be lying if I say I'm not flattered.

Still looking...

How do I know if they will treat him well?  How will I know that they will pay close attention to his needs, and that other kids won't pinch him and hurt him?  He can't complain.  He can't tell me how his day went.  How am I supposed to feel at ease everyday, every minute knowing that my very young child is in some place with some people we don't know and trust?

I think every parent who sends her kid to daycare worry about the same thing and now is my turn to feel that way.  If I was listening to somebody else telling me this, I would probably say "just think about the thousands of kids being sent to daycare everyday and they turn out ok...".  But now that I'm talking about my own, it feels totally different.  I am not just worried about him, I am scared!  

Unfortunately, it is hardly possible to hire an experienced nanny here without spending a fortune.  And it's probably harder to find somebody you know and trust to look after your kid.  At least back home we get a lot of referrals.  Here we don't know a lot of people, so we don't get referrals.

One more week left and I have to go back to work.  Charles is taking a week off so this buys us another week to look for a sitter or a daycare center.  Two weeks is not a lot of time to find one and I am really stressing out!

I wish my parents didn't have to leave.  I wish I didn't have to go back to work soon.  I wish my sister lived next door.  I wish... and I pray that the good heavens will send me a miracle!

The Project

Blue, green, brown or gray?

Two colors or two tones of the same color?

Paint or wallpaper?

Cherry or Dark Espresso furniture?

The options are endless.  It took us a couple of weeks to plan--more than a week just to choose between cherry and espresso furniture.  We spent several hours during the day (and night) just staring at the wall covered with different paint samples.

But as soon as we made our choices, the execution was quite a breeze.  My dad and I both love to paint and I enjoy furniture assembly.  It was so nice to see everything slowly coming together.

We picked two tones of Blue (Charles felt very strongly about this color--he said we already have a lot of green and brown in the house), paint and wallpaper borders, and dark espresso furniture.  I added white drapes for the window, a matching valance, and dark wood frames for the wall art.

Our nursery is finally done and Lucas was happy to see it.  But when we let him sleep there for the first time last night, he looked a bit confused.  He spent a lot of time lurking around the room, staring at the walls and then he cried as if thinking we brought him to a totally different place and that we're going to leave him there!  Charles and I slept in the room as well so Lucas knows we are close by, and we'll probably do so for a few more days or weeks or until Lucas is comfortable sleeping there on his own.

As for me, I had this strange feeling about moving Lucas to his own room.  I felt so sad, I felt as if I was letting him go and I didn't want to.  If only he can sleep with us forever...

Oh dear, I can see myself sobbing when he finally goes to Daycare!

Goodbye...For Now

My parents are going home to the Philippines in three weeks--something we hoped would not happen until three more months from now. Our request to extend their stay in the US did not get approved for reasons I will not even start mentioning here because none of them made any sense to me. So sadly, they will have to leave the country rather soon.

Apparently, the Homeland Security personnel who was tasked to make a decision on whether to grant or deny our request wasn't considerate enough. Or maybe he/she was just too shallow to understand our intent and so he/she chose to interpret it his/her own way, which obviously did not work to our advantage. They should have at least checked the records of their prior visits--my parents always left on time and never extended. This time, although my parents provided proof that they will leave the country on a certain date, the adjudicator said it is still not evidence that they intend to stay here only temporarily. How exactly do you prove intent?

What I don't understand is why people like my parents, who follow the rules and take the time to go through all the shenanigans of filing an application to extend with a valid enough reason would be denied such extension. Homeland Security should at least appreciate the fact that despite their lousy efforts to control the upsurge of illegal immigrants in their country (because it's fairly easy to be an illegal immigrant here), there are still some people like my parents who are honest and compliant enough to ensure that every single day they spend here is legitimate. Unfortunately, they don't appreciate that!

If I sound so bitter about this, it's because I am! I am upset not only because I thought I won't have to worry about someone watching Lucas when I go back to work (I'd hate to send him off to daycare at such a tender age) but more importantly because I am bummed that while some of us value our family a great deal, others don't even understand the concept of it. Maybe the adjudicator doesn't get the importance of bringing family together or maybe he/she is just living a miserable life and so he/she wants others to be miserable as well.

My heart is breaking right now. The thought of my parents leaving so soon makes me feel terribly sad. In fact, writing this is so darn difficult. I wasn't prepared for this--I thought they were going to be with us much longer. Today, I saw my dad start packing and I just couldn't hold back tears, I had to hide. I miss them already! I worry so much about them when they're back home--when they're by themselves. This is the time when I wish I hadn't come to the US at all!

So I guess it's goodbye for now. But I comfort myself by thinking that they'll be back soon and I really hope they will.

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Photo:  My parents with Lucas and my nephew, Nathan at Bonfante Falls, Gilroy Gardens, California