Lingering Thoughts

I believe in destiny. I believe in the idea that some aspects of our lives have already been mapped out, planned for. We have the freewill to shape our future and lead our lives to the direction that we want. But if that doesn't turn out to be what was planned for us, then there are powers beyond our own that will take us back to where we should be. A friend of mine just proved to me once again that there is such a thing as "destiny". Long story, but a beautiful one. I might tell it one day.

***

I woke up one day realizing how much Lucas has grown. Sometimes, I am taken aback when he talks to me and suddenly he would sound like a grown up.  Sometimes, he makes me feel like I am the kid and he is the parent when he reminds me not to put my foot up on the chair or to stop biting my nails.  I was amazed when one time I sat down with him to teach him numbers and the next minute I saw him keying the numeric password on the iPad to unlock it--all on his own.

How can I not be keeping up with him? How can I not know where he is at--with his learnings, his progress, the new toys that he likes or new things that he likes to do?  Until now, I haven't made his dentist's appointment, which is now long overdue.  I haven't re-enrolled him in swim class after I took him off the class when we were going away for a month, and I didn't want to pay for the classes if he couldn't go to them.  And now the summer is almost over.  Before I know it, he'll be in school and his time at home will be limited to night and weekends, spring breaks and summer breaks.  And I'll just be one of those parents who take vacations during school breaks, because that's all the time there is to be with their kids.

I've been so busy. I didn't have to be, but I've made myself one. I feel that I have taken on so much that I am now falling short of being a mom and a wife.  I need some time off.  Some serious, extended time off.  I want to stay at home and be a full-time mom and a full-time wife.  I want to be with my son all day everyday, playing, eating and learning with him.  I want to take him to places and we can explore together.  Oh, how nice would that be?

Taking the time off from work will be a tough thing for me to do, but I might just make it happen.

***

Photo:  The Japanese Friendship Garden, San Jose, CA

Being Mom

In less than a month, I shall be returning to work and I am not very excited about it.  I honestly don't see myself being an 'at-home' mom so I do want to go back to work, but not right now, not soon.  I don't think I am ready for it just yet.

There are so many things that I have set out to do while on leave--repaint and redecorate the house, print some of my photos and hang them, change my name, change my looks, finish those baby scrapbooks, among other things.  It's been two months, yet I have not accomplished a single one of them.  I have not even started working on the nursery and now it's almost about time for Lucas to move to his own room.  

When I was at work, I'd feel productive and accomplished at the end of every day.  Lately though, at the end of every week I'd look back and think about what I have accomplished for that week.  Most of the time I just can't come up with anything specific.  Sometimes I feel worthless.  Sometimes I wonder "what have I done in the two months that have passed?".

On the other hand, I'd look at Lucas and see a whole different perspective.  Every time I play with him and he smiles, every time I feed him and he's filled, when he smells fresh and good because I changed and bathed him, and when he cries and only I can soothe him--I feel a great deal of satisfaction because I know that I spent everyday with him, I have bonded with him the most and that I know him more than anybody else does.  

And I guess there's my answer--in the last two months, I did nothing but be a mom to him and I don't think I need to persuade anyone, including myself of how tough that job is.  

Because You Loved Me

If I were to describe and tell my mother who she really is to me, I'd simply be singing this song to her...

Because You Loved Me

by Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joys you brought to my life

For all the wrongs that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up

You never let me fall

You're the one who saw me through

Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

You lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am because you loved me.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you mothers and grandmothers out there!!!

A Truly Beloved Person

I first met Chichi when I started working for a company called AccountMate in Cebu. I was hired as a Product Consultant and Chichi was one of the big bosses of the company.

My first impression of Chichi was that of being "suplada", high and mighty, strict and not very outgoing--forgive me Chi for saying this. However, she is to me a living proof that first impressions are not necessarily correct and they never ever last because she has turned out to be just the complete opposite.

Though we were in the same company in Cebu, I didn't really have the opportunity to work very closely with Chichi until we both came to our US office at the same time. We lived in the same house, went to the same workplace, drove the same car, ate the same food, and shared a lot--a lot of experiences, a lot of good memories and problem-solving opportunities, smooth rides and bumpy rides alike, quiet times and gossip times, and in the process I learned how truly amazing and remarkable a person she is!

Chi, I have so much to THANK YOU for! 

Thank you for your continued friendship and support!

Thank you for the many words of encouragement that you have showered me with.

Thank you for introducing me to the blog world and to all the wonderful people who has reinforced my daily source of wisdom and inspiration.

Thank you for always sharing the challenges and triumphs of raising your boys--this has lessened my apprehensions of becoming a mom.

Thank you for showing me that life is always a happy ending despite challenging beginnings.

Thank you for always making me smile--Charles and I look forward to your entertaining blogs and stories everyday.

Thank you for all the wonderful memories we've shared.

Thank you for just being yourself--a cool mom, a role model, an inspiration, a cheerleader, and most of all--a wonderful, wonderful friend!

I've said this before and I'll say it again--you are truly a beloved person and you are irreplaceable in the hearts of everybody whose lives you've touched!

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Happy Birthday...

…to my cousin Jopie.

She is one person whose talent and personality I truly admire.

She is smart and pretty, stylish and classy.

She is graceful and refined, yet she isn’t shy to speak her mind.

She can bring life to pretty much anything she photographs,

She awakens the senses of whoever reads what she writes.

She is a dreamer!

She is good at everything she is passionate about.

She is a good singer like her mom,

She cares and worries about her dad more than he knows she does.

She is married to a man who adores her and whom she adores back.

She is a fighter who strongly defied challenges and roadblocks.

She is one true friend who is forgiving for the wrongs that you’ve done.

She is no less than beauty, brains and character all in one!

So dear cousin, I want you to know,

How special you are and how you truly glow.

And on this very special day,

I wish for lovely surprises to come your way.

And may each and every passing year,

Bring you more love, peace and cheer!

May all the dreams you dream come true,

Happy wonderful Birthday to you!!!

Lots of Love,

Liza

Paranoia

The Clock Tower, a landmark at the San Francisco Financial District

In this time of economic turmoil, one can’t help but sometimes get too paranoid.

Today I thought I was losing my job. We’re in the phase of firming up our 2009 budget and because the entire company is cutting costs, each of our business units received challenges to reduce expenses for the year by a specific amount. Along with the $$ challenge, top management was going to provide ideas on how and which part of the business we can get cost savings from.

I’ve been asking for this list so I can finally submit our budget, but it took them a while to send it to me. When I finally got hold of it and looked at the details, I almost had a heart attack! One of the items said “eliminate Ops Director”. Well, this isn't exactly my title, but because my team is also in-charge of operations and there are only three of us directors, I was so sure it meant "me".

So I was going to lose my job and things just started plugging through my head--When were they going to tell me? Is this why i got the list so late--because they were trying to figure out how to break it to me? Am i getting any severance pay? What will i do without health insurance? Can they even fire me when they know I'm about to go on disability? What will I do without paid maternity benefits? How much will i get from unemployment insurance?

So I called Charles--we had a long discussion.  I called my sister too and she got worried sick about me.  There was so much disarray going on in my head that I forgot to do the obvious--verify. How could this have come about? Who would have suggested the idea and how could any member of top management, not one of them based locally, even think that getting rid of me is the best way to save the company money? And so I did what I should have done in the first place. I finally assembled my thoughts and gathered the guts to email my boss to ask if they were indeed letting go of me, if they were eliminating my position.

I don't know if I made him fall off his chair or laugh his intestines out, but in less than two minutes I got a phone call and all I could hear was a voice of a totally-perplexed-but-somewhat-amused individual saying "What are you talking about?!?! Of course that's not you! You sent us the data. You said we didn't need the Ops Director and so we're eliminating the position in the 09 Plan!"

Aaahh...finally a light bulb! I now remember that sometime last year, we planned on hiring an Ops Director and because some plans have changed and we have budget constraints, we decided not to pursue with it. It was an open position that we had on the plan and I was the one who eliminated it from the headcount file for 2009.

I felt awfully embarrassed! How can I be such a dork? I spent almost the entire day stressing myself out and even sharing the anxiety with other people. I should have known better!

But then again, we're in such tumultuous economy where thousands of people are losing their jobs and I just can't help but be concerned of my own. Today, I learned two very valuable lessons: (1) to always know thy facts before reacting, and (2) to be more appreciative and thankful that I got a job that I like and that I still have it.

My heart goes out to all those who recently lost their jobs. :-(

36 Years...And Counting

He was 26, she was 25.

He was an aspiring businessman, she was a teacher.

He was from the west side of town, she was from the east side of the same town

They were the exact opposites, but destiny somehow found it's way to bring them together.

*** Taken 36 years ago ***

*** At their 25th year anniversary ***

For 36 years they stood by each other, traveled several roads together--enduring adversities and breaking road blocks.  

For 36 years they've managed to put aside their differences and worked for a common goal.   They've given up their wants and made our happiness their own.

For 36 years they have been our protector, our shield, our role models, our friends.  They have made us very proud!

It's been 36 years and we're still counting...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MA & PA!  

May our good Lord bless you with many more wonderful years together!

A Birthday Journal

Gone to me are the years when celebrating birthdays means having guests over for lunch, snack or dinner, going out with friends or family, or partying until the wee hours of the morning.  

Today, I turned 33 and I had quite a remarkable day.  And here's why...

...

Started the day with an early mass with Charles and my parents.  I thank God for 33 wonderful years, some of them I don't have memories of but I know they were wonderful!

***

A present from my sister and a card with a message that made me cry and want to hug her tight.  I wished she was around.

***

Got to work and was surprised by boxes of delicious cupcakes--a treat from my amazing colleagues.  These cupcakes were sinful!

Had to take a photo through my camera phone.

***

Phone calls from my brother Richard, my cousin Jopie, and dear friends Lori, Lolit and Jewel.  Hearing their voices always make me smile!

***

Received unexpected, very kind tributes from my dear friend Chichi here and my cousin Jopie here.  These moved me deeply and made me very emotional!

***

Lots of emails, text messages and friendster greetings from friends, relatives back in the Philippines and fellow bloggers.  They warmed my heart.

***

 

Beautiful flowers from the hubby.  I was captivated--as if falling in love all over again!

***

I got home to a sumptuous Filipino dinner that my loving parents prepared for me.  My mom baked me a cake, cooked pancit for long life and pochero (beef soup).  My dad cooked my favorite shrimps, fried pompano and exactly 33 pieces of lumpia!  Charles brought home another favorite--king crab legs!  I was so full--I had to try them all!

***

I got my new fast lens and a better tripod!  Too bad I don't have my camera anymore.  We've sold it and haven't got a replacement.  I'll have to wait a while before I could use them.  But now I have one more thing to look forward to!

***

I felt my baby move for the very first time!  What a nice birthday present from somebody I haven't even met!

***

It was quite a memorable day--something I wouldn't trade for parties and dinners in fancy restaurants!  A day I will treasure and remember for as long as my memory lasts.  It was by far one of the best birthdays I've ever had!

My heartfelt THANK YOU to all of you who made my day extra special!  I couldn't ask for more!  I am truly blessed!

I wish...

I am terrible when it comes to New Year's Resolutions so I have given up on them a long time ago. When I used to have resolutions, I would either just think about the things I wanted to do but later forget about them, or I would jot them down yet they just stay on paper for the rest of the year.

This year I thought about something different. I thought about making wishes instead--a list of things that I desire, yet they're less binding, less obligatory. Some things I can control, some I cannot. And if they don't come true, I may be heartbroken but I won't have to bang my head against the wall for not making every effort to achieve them.

So for this year, I wish-

- for a safe delivery and a healthy baby

- that charles and i will gain more strength and patience to embrace the difficulties of parenthood

- for more opportunities at work, for my team to stay intact and for better correlation among colleagues from our different offices

- to be better at photography and to meet more people with the same interest so I may learn more from them

- that my parents will have a grand time while vacationing in the US

- that my nephew will grow up to be a vibrant and healthy little boy

- that my cousin and her husband be finally blessed with the baby of their dreams

- that the world economy will start to recuperate and thus help people improve their way of life

- that my brother will finally marry the girl of his dreams

- that at least one of our friends from outside the country will come visit (maybe chichi? hint...hint...)

- that my friend jocab will have a blissful marriage and that i may get together again with my girl friends lori, minerva, lolit, kathleen and joy

- that wars will end and I will hear less and less about innocent children dying

- that at the end of the year, I will find myself checking off this entire list

A Message of Thanks

I took my parents to a walk in the park today. It was supposed to be just for sight-seeing and maybe a little exercise, but it turned out to be one bonding experience. We started talking about how much sacrifice there is to having a baby and my mom ended up musing over how we were being cared for when we were little.

I may never be able to put into enough words what my parents have done to make me feel indebted to them for the rest of my life. We were an average family--my father was a manager of a small financing company and my mother a housewife, who at the same time was running a small family business for some extra income. They didn't earn much so we didn't have the luxury of material possessions that other people had. But we were happy. My parents were able to send us to one of the best schools in the city and despite being around wealthy children all the time, they made sure we did not feel inferior.

There were times when we would envy our friends and wished we had what they had. There were even times when we would ask our parents "why didn't you just become a nurse or an engineer so you could go abroad and we would have plenty of money?" Other times, we would ask them "if you can hardly afford it, why did you send us to these expensive schools?"

But my parents knew what was essential to life. They would always remind us that we had enough, and that we were better off than they were when they were growing up. My parents always told us that we should work hard and take advantage of education so when we get older and have families of our own, we can do better than them and we can give our kids more than what they could give us.

Needless to say, they instilled in us the values of contentment, togetherness and integrity, which as I now fully comprehend, are way more important than money.

I guess I'll never be what I am now if my parents didn't raise me the way that they did, and I can never thank them enough. So I plan to spend the rest of my life making them aware of how much they have accomplished. They are the kind of parents that any child should wish for. And how very lucky I am that I am their child!

TO MA AND PA:

When I think of all the things you have done

the ways in which you care

I am filled with so much gratitude

and pride that is always there

I seldom take the time to tell you

how much you really mean to me

So now I’m telling you what’s in my heart

“I wish I can be even half as good a parent as you are to me!”

I love you dearly!

Merry Christmas

Warmest Wishes from our Family to Yours!!!

So this is my family --  standing from L-R: my brother Richard and his girlfriend Hannah, brother-in law John, sister Lorelie with her son Nathan, me and Charles. Sitting are my beloved parents Ricardo & Ludy.

Hope

Bay Bridge at Sunset

Bay Bridge at Night

We had our Christmas Party at work yesterday--the very first time we had luncheon instead of a formal dinner. The obvious reason being the crisis in the country--everyone is cutting costs and our company is no exception.

I really missed the dinner parties where I had the opportunity to dress up and look good, when I had the chance to bring the hubby along and meet my colleagues' significant others, when I can socialize with my colleagues and spend the entire night talking about anything other than work. Those were good times!

But there's more to it that makes me really sad. I miss what our company used to be--a small, friendly environment with people treating each other like family. You see, I was around when this company started. There were 4 people including myself--it was hardly even "a company". Then we started growing and got bigger each year. Now, after only 6 years, we became part of an even bigger company with about 40 people in our office alone and thousands of others outside of San Francisco. Don't get me wrong--this is actually good and this is what we wanted. But so much has changed in so little time. There are now so many unfamiliar faces, new leaders, new policies, new strategies, and it just does not feel like home anymore. Where are the brothers and sisters that I used to have fun with? Where are the parents that I have come to know and love? Most of them gone.

I didn't enjoy the party, to say the least. I brought my camera hoping to capture the fun moments, but I left the hall with hardly any pictures. So I spent the rest of the afternoon, sitting in our office, looking out to the beautiful city and wondering... "how is this going to end? at least for me..." I still love my job, I love what I do. But is this enough reason for me to come to the same place every single day?

These photos I took of the bay bridge (from our office window) speaks so much about how I felt. At 4pm, the dusk started rolling in, and in less than an hour I was looking at the darkness of the night. But what came before dusk is something that will surely come back. No matter how dark the night gets, the bright daylight awaits! And just like any day, some things will always have to start over. This put a smile on my face.

Sweet Treats and Memories

It’s been a while since I had these—thanks to our friend Cindy, who visited us with her family for the first time.

Cindy's visit brought memories of our childhood days. We were neighbors in Tagbilaran back then. Cindy and her two sisters Mary Jane and Jennifer were our playmates. I don't know if she recalls it, but on few summer breaks they would come to our house and play with us when our parents were not around. Our parents worked the same hours and when they were out working, we were not allowed to go out of the house. I guess Cindy and her sisters were told the same.

So after my parents would leave, my sister and I would go outside, clap our hands as hard as we could (that was our cue) and the three sisters would come to our place with their toys and we would play the entire afternoon until it was time for our parents to come home. On some days we go to their place too. We loved playing with them not only because they were so nice but also because they had all the fancy toys--stuffed animals, crying dolls, game and watch, and other toys that we couldn't afford to get.

Those were sweet memories of our childhood days and we have Cindy and her sisters to thank for.

Thanks Dee! And thanks for sharing these delicious homemade treats! YUM!