Thursday, January 20, 2011

Changes


As I pulled the car into the garage that night, there was Lucas with his dad waiting by the door.  The little one's face gleamed like moonlight.  He was wearing his biggest smile.  And his eyes, looking even smaller than they are, smiled along as he giggled and called out "Mama!".  My little boy was welcoming me home once again.

A few days ago, I blogged about my new year wishes and one of them was to travel less for work and more for pleasure.  Well, so much for that!  Only two weeks after the new year, I was already out four days in a week working two thousand miles away from home.  I came home Thursday night and I had to fly again on Friday to throw a baby shower for a dear friend.

Lucas is growing up so fast and I worry that I'll miss out on a lot of his progress by being away that often.  I worry that he will learn something new and I won't see it unfold.  I worry that he will tire of waiting for me to come home and decide he won't wait for me any longer.  I worry that we won't be good friends because I am not always there to listen to him and teach him lessons.  He already missed swim class because I wasn't there to take him to the pool.

Sometimes I wish quitting work was easy.  Right now, it's not even an option.  And I don't know how much of the traveling I can cut.  I guess the best I can do is be there for him whenever possible.  When I'm not traveling, I want to be the first person he sees when he wakes up in the morning and the last person he sees before he goes to sleep.  No more TV, internet, hobbies and any unfinished work brought home until Lucas goes to bed.  He comes first before any of those.  I often find myself turning to my computer when Lucas is occupied, and I get so absorbed by what I do that sometimes I would hardly notice him come close.  He would just sneak up to me and say "Hi Mama!"  And oh, he now knows how to say "mama busy", and it breaks my heart every time he says that.

He is very quick to respond when I call out his name, as if he has always been waiting for me to call him.  He wastes no time running to me with open arms, and gives me a big hug and a squeeze whenever I ask him to come to mama.  He wastes no time even when he's in the middle of something--be it playing or flipping through his books, or watching his favorite show.  Why can't I do the same for him?  Everything else can wait, but my little boy doesn't have to.

10 comments:

Life+Style by C. Dacua-Ellazar Photography January 20, 2011 at 7:39 AM  

I'm sorry to hear that Liz... I know how you feel, especially when those bright eyes just look at you --- melts your heart away.

Life I guess isn't fair... Sometimes u just have to 'do' what u got to 'do'. I did some changes in my work schedule after a year working nights (as what u said quiting work isn't an option in this economy, I cut off 1night a week at work)... It took us a year to realize hub and I have to 'do' something --- when little M just glued to the TV for forever. Tight on our budget at times but More time with our girls --- it's worth it.

Don't worry Liz it will come... Just keep praying and hang in there. You're doing great in what u 'do'. Give bb Lucas more love every minute u can. He's superbly smart and loving boy, he won't feel left out. *hugs tight*

btw, it was nice chatting and catching up with u last week over the phone Liz, next time we'll definitely meet up --- when our sched works =)

konsuy January 20, 2011 at 3:52 PM  

i have that same problem too but ang importante i guess is that there is always someone (any member of the family) that is showing him all the love. sa among duha ni roland, it is roland that spends more time with the children. but now that we moved here, we seem to just made up for all the lost time. it helps to write letters too. i write letters to the boys a lot when i am away.

JoPiE January 21, 2011 at 1:35 AM  

oh cuz, i don't think Lucas will ever get tired waiting for you. and you know what, even when i am home all day, i am also guilty of the same things -- being on the computer, doing something else, not paying attention. it is a constant struggle. as they say, guilt always accompanies motherhood; no matter what we do, we always feel it's not enough. if you watch that documentary "Babies", most of the babies there were left to their own devices, and they were fine. i guess we all have to do what we have to do, and unless we really neglect our kids, they will be fine. Lucas is growing up very very smart and happy. i have no doubt he doesn't lack for anything. :D

JoPiE January 21, 2011 at 1:37 AM  

and oh, by the way, Lucas looks sooo adorable in this photo! :D

Liza January 21, 2011 at 11:53 AM  

Cindy January 20, 2011 7:39 AM

btw, it was nice chatting and catching up with u last week over the phone Liz, next time we'll definitely meet up --- when our sched works =)


Cinds, it was good catching up with you too! I am planning to go back there with Lucas and Charles after my friend gives birth--sometime end of Feb or early March. I will let you know so we can meet up!

Thanks for the kind words, by the way. It is re-assuring when people think I am doing just what I am supposed to do. :-)

Liza January 21, 2011 at 11:56 AM  

konsuy said...
i have that same problem too but ang importante i guess is that there is always someone (any member of the family) that is showing him all the love...


Charles and I just agreed Chi that we will try not to travel at the same time. Pero sometimes dili kalikayan, like this coming Feb we both have to be away. Talagsa ra hinuon. We also agreed that at least one of us should spend time with him when are at home. Say, when I'm cooking, he has to be with Lucas. I hope that helps!

Liza January 21, 2011 at 12:02 PM  

JoPiE said...
oh cuz, i don't think Lucas will ever get tired waiting for you. and you know what, even when i am home all day, i am also guilty of the same things -- being on the computer, doing something else, not paying attention. it is a constant struggle. as they say, guilt always accompanies motherhood;...


Cuz, you're right! Guilt always comes with motherhood. Ang ako-a lang, right now Lucas wants to be with us. I know there will come a stage when he will want to be with his friends more, so I want to take as much advantage of that now before he reaches that stage. But I feel that I am not spending enough time with him.

Hey, I did watch babies! Nalingaw jud ko, especially with that baby from Africa! After watching that I stopped worrying about Lucas picking up food on the floor and putting it in his mouth! Hahaha!

Liza January 21, 2011 at 12:03 PM  

JoPiE said...
and oh, by the way, Lucas looks sooo adorable in this photo! :D


Cuz, thank you!

Life+Style by C. Dacua-Ellazar Photography January 22, 2011 at 1:52 AM  

that will be fun liz... please give me heads up in advance ok... excited to see you all =)

Mommy Blogs January 23, 2011 at 10:22 PM  

Liz, my heart goes out to you! I pray you don't need to travel that much.

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I got interested in photography when I met my husband. He loved photography since the 80's when he owned a Canon AE1 SLR camera. When we got married, we met a great photographer who inspired me even more. I started taking photos when my husband and I got our DSLR camera back in 2005. I never really shared my photos. But lately, I've been introduced to photoblogging and I saw it to be a great way of expression. My photos are amateur but I hope to learn more as I blog and connect with people.

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