Changes

As I pulled the car into the garage that night, there was Lucas with his dad waiting by the door.  The little one's face gleamed like moonlight.  He was wearing his biggest smile.  And his eyes, looking even smaller than they are, smiled along as he giggled and called out "Mama!".  My little boy was welcoming me home once again.

A few days ago, I blogged about my new year wishes and one of them was to travel less for work and more for pleasure.  Well, so much for that!  Only two weeks after the new year, I was already out four days in a week working two thousand miles away from home.  I came home Thursday night and I had to fly again on Friday to throw a baby shower for a dear friend.

Lucas is growing up so fast and I worry that I'll miss out on a lot of his progress by being away that often.  I worry that he will learn something new and I won't see it unfold.  I worry that he will tire of waiting for me to come home and decide he won't wait for me any longer.  I worry that we won't be good friends because I am not always there to listen to him and teach him lessons.  He already missed swim class because I wasn't there to take him to the pool.

Sometimes I wish quitting work was easy.  Right now, it's not even an option.  And I don't know how much of the traveling I can cut.  I guess the best I can do is be there for him whenever possible.  When I'm not traveling, I want to be the first person he sees when he wakes up in the morning and the last person he sees before he goes to sleep.  No more TV, internet, hobbies and any unfinished work brought home until Lucas goes to bed.  He comes first before any of those.  I often find myself turning to my computer when Lucas is occupied, and I get so absorbed by what I do that sometimes I would hardly notice him come close.  He would just sneak up to me and say "Hi Mama!"  And oh, he now knows how to say "mama busy", and it breaks my heart every time he says that.

He is very quick to respond when I call out his name, as if he has always been waiting for me to call him.  He wastes no time running to me with open arms, and gives me a big hug and a squeeze whenever I ask him to come to mama.  He wastes no time even when he's in the middle of something--be it playing or flipping through his books, or watching his favorite show.  Why can't I do the same for him?  Everything else can wait, but my little boy doesn't have to.