Being Mom

In less than a month, I shall be returning to work and I am not very excited about it.  I honestly don't see myself being an 'at-home' mom so I do want to go back to work, but not right now, not soon.  I don't think I am ready for it just yet.

There are so many things that I have set out to do while on leave--repaint and redecorate the house, print some of my photos and hang them, change my name, change my looks, finish those baby scrapbooks, among other things.  It's been two months, yet I have not accomplished a single one of them.  I have not even started working on the nursery and now it's almost about time for Lucas to move to his own room.  

When I was at work, I'd feel productive and accomplished at the end of every day.  Lately though, at the end of every week I'd look back and think about what I have accomplished for that week.  Most of the time I just can't come up with anything specific.  Sometimes I feel worthless.  Sometimes I wonder "what have I done in the two months that have passed?".

On the other hand, I'd look at Lucas and see a whole different perspective.  Every time I play with him and he smiles, every time I feed him and he's filled, when he smells fresh and good because I changed and bathed him, and when he cries and only I can soothe him--I feel a great deal of satisfaction because I know that I spent everyday with him, I have bonded with him the most and that I know him more than anybody else does.  

And I guess there's my answer--in the last two months, I did nothing but be a mom to him and I don't think I need to persuade anyone, including myself of how tough that job is.  

Some Happy Thoughts

I met my former classmate--the one I referred to in this blog. Yes, she did show up and we had an interesting conversation. I have to say that I learned a lot that night--about the things that she does for work and fun, her travel experiences and tips on where to stay and what to do in some places that I too want to visit. I was also able to clear some things with her--things that were once speculations, things that she or I may have misinterpreted in the past. Well, we also did what couldn't be helped and that's gossip a little about other former classmates of ours. I hate to admit, but this was the most fun part of the conversation.

I left the meeting happy and I think we both gained a different intuition towards each other. And I am all the more convinced now that people can really change and some of them do.

*****

My Lucas laughed for the first time today. He normally lets loose a big smile whenever I kiss his neck, but this time he didn't just smile. He burst into a loud chuckle.

He also now interacts. When we talk to him he responds by either smiling or babbling.

*****

It's only been 7 weeks since I had Lucas, but I am now 3 pounds shy of hitting my pre-pregnancy weight! And that's without diet and exercise! My dietician set my target at 3 months, I over-achieved. To all new moms--breastfeed!!!

*****

I recently got me some new summer clothes at unbelievably great prices! This is the time when most stores put seasonal items on sale to get rid of them and replace their inventory with next-season ones. Well, maybe for retailers it's time to sell for the fall but I don't think this warm weather is fading out soon. I see myself wearing summer clothes 'til September.

*****

I would have missed out on a sale of my favorite jeans if the hub didn't tell me about it. I love it that he supports my inclination to shop. Or maybe he was trying to help me find a deal because he knew I would get those jeans eventually anyway [grin]. Well, unlike before I now shop in moderation and Charles understands our (women's) needs.

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Photo: My Lucas at 7 weeks and 4 days.

Discovery Day

It was Lucas and Nathan's first encounter with animals, cartoon characters and rides.  I think they hardly recognized what they saw and experienced, but at times it did bring smiles to their little faces.

Six Flags Discovery Kingdom is situated in Vallejo, California--only 25 miles and about 30 minutes drive from where we live.  We pass by this place often but we've never gone in because I thought this place was all about thrill rides, which I'm not very fond of.  But lately we discovered that this place offers a lot more.  They have an animal safari, a butterfly conservatory, rides for people of all ages and other entertainment that the family can enjoy.  They even have concerts on some days.  To me the place is like Sea World--only a bit smaller.

One day isn't enough to explore this whole place.  So we are definitely going back.  Oh yeah--the kids sure had a lot of fun (see photo below).

It wasn't just a day of fun, but a day of discovery as well.  I can't wait for when Lucas and Nathan are a bit older, when they can appreciate theme parks like this and enjoy them more!

Confronting Bygones

I am not one who bears a grudge, but I find it difficult (perhaps impossible) to forget when I get offended and the person who did something to offend me.  Like this one person--a former classmate of mine, who back in high school made up stories about me saying horrible things about a good friend.  There was no truth to the allegations, but it unfortunately cost me that friendship.  My friend and I did reconcile before graduation but things got awkward after that and we never stayed in touch since we left high school.  Again, thanks to this one person who, at that time didn't have anything better to do but get into other people's business and ruin relationships.

The first time this one person visited the Bay Area, she wrote me saying she wanted to see me and I said OK.  When I see old friends, I always look forward to reminiscing the past with them.  But since we don't have good memories of each other, I thought "well, we'll just talk about how we've been and what we've been doing all these years--that'll work!".  So we arranged to meet up.  I made dinner reservations at a nice restaurant.  I arrived early, waited....and waited...and waited.  She never showed up!  Days later, she messaged me apologizing.  She said she was with a group of people and they enjoyed Napa Valley too much that they couldn't get back to the city on time.  She couldn't call me because her phone was out of coverage.  I understood.  I know how it is to be a guest, to be with a group of people and to be in a situation where you don't have much control of the time and you just can't make demands.  I'd like to believe she at least made an effort to come see me that night.

Now this one person is in the Bay Area again and she has asked to see me.  Well, despite the high school incident which I now have attached to her name and getting stood up the last time we were going to meet, I still want to see her.  I'd even go out of my way to pick her up and drive her around town.  I still want to take her out to a nice dinner and hopefully she'll treat me back with good company and a nice conversation.  

I let bygones be bygones.  Some things in the past may continue to haunt me, but no more traces of angst are apparent enough to keep me from moving on.  I hope this meeting goes well.  I do look forward to seeing her, to seeing how much she has changed since the last time I saw her fifteen or so years ago.  But first, I hope she shows up this time!

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Photo:  Sunset at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, Vallejo, California

Staying Cool

*An old photo--looks refreshing to me and reminds me of a good summer fix*

We've lived in this house for nearly three years now and never did we need air condition.  Sure, it gets hot during the summer.  On the average, our summer temperature ranges from the seventies to the eighties.  It only gets really hot (nineties to the low hundreds) for a few days in the entire year.  The summer heat in our area is something we can tolerate--it was hard at times but we managed.

Recently though, we found out that Lucas isn't so tolerant with heat.  He has trouble sleeping and gets really crabby when it's warm.  In the last six weeks alone we've acquired two fans (in addition to one that we already have) and when that didn't help much we had to shell out some hefty dollars to buy an air conditioning unit.

I guess there are things you have to do with the baby around that you won't do for yourself even if you wanted to--some things we could have just lived without.

Thankful For...

** The yearly Marin County Fair, San Rafael, CA**

These days, I am thankful for...

...a healthy baby, who rarely cries and who loves to go out.  I thought taking him out would be too inconvenient but he just loves it.  

...a long weekend.  The extra day off doesn't count much for me because I'm still on leave, but having Charles around the house makes a lot of difference.

...funnel cakes and smoked turkey legs at the county fair.  Been a while since I had them.  They're sinfully good!

...spectacular fireworks also at the county fair, which is very close to our place.  We don't have to drive to the city to see the 4th of July fireworks.

...my mom's delicious puto maya, sweet mangoes and hot sikwati.

...a not-so-hot summer weather.  The last few days, it's been warm during the mid-day and a little chilly in the early morning and late afternoon.  Just the way I like it!

...finally nailing down the date and time for Lucas' Christening.  After going back and forth with the church, we finally settled on the schedule that works for both.

**Fireworks at the Marin County Fair**

Man In The Mirror

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and then make a change

--Man in the Mirror, by Michael Jackson

Photo:  A Water Lily found inside the Conservatory of Flowers, San Francisco

To say that I am saddened by the loss of Michael Jackson is an understatement.  Call me a fanatic but last night I was awake and all I could think of was him--what a great loss he is to the music industry and to all the people who love music.  Yes, his music will live on but there won't be any more live performances and no more new songs from the king of pop.

I grew up with his music.  One of the first few albums that I owned was a collection of Michael Jackson hits courtesy of my aunt who worked in Saudi Arabia.  It came in a cassette tape and I remember it being my favorite because the rest didn't appeal to me much--they were albums from Matt Monro, Anne Murray and other older artists.

I remember dancing to Thriller in a school program and using the song Beat It in a school play.  When I was in Grade 6 we sponsored the movie Moonwalker, one of only a handful movies that I saw in a movie house (just because our parents would not let us go to cinemas), and this is when I first heard Man in the Mirror and fell in love with the song.

I grew up witnessing how Michael Jackson influenced the styles of a lot of new and budding artists, including our very own Gary V.  I continued to admire his music--the kind that hardly contains any trash language, the kind that always conveys a significant message.

On a few of our very recent road trips, we played his songs in the car.  Charles and I talked about what a waste it is that he is no longer performing, that he is out there living in the middle east, financially drained after facing his legal battles.  But we were confident that once he makes a come-back, things will turn around and he will be back on his feet.  It's quite a pity that he didn't live long enough to make such come-back.

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To Michael, the man in the mirror who wanted to change the world, the artistic genius whose music has, in one way or another, made an impact on our youth and our way of life--THANK YOU!  Rest and be at peace because you have done what you set out to do.  Your legacy will live on and your music will be known and played even by generations to come.  So long...