Age Is Not Just A Number

When I was a little girl and until I became a teenager, I wished I would get older fast.  I couldn't wait to go out with somebody (my parents were so strict--they didn't allow me and my sister to see anybody until after college).  I couldn't wait to have a job and earn my own money so I won't have to ask my parents for it and I can buy whatever I want.  I couldn't wait to make my own decisions, run my own household and be in any place I want to be.

I lived a happy childhood and God knows I love my family to pieces, so I wasn't looking at getting away from them.  But I think I was born independent and at some point I just yearned to be unleashed, be out and about seeking adventures and exploring the unknown.

Now, I've lived almost half my lifetime (I don't expect to live longer than 80). I am independent, happily married, earning my own money and making decisions.  Yet this past few weeks, I couldn't help but wish I was younger--much, much younger. 

I was looking for something from my archives and came across old photos from 6-8 years ago, and I couldn't believe how much I have changed and aged.  I was slim and sexy then, I had shiny black hair and a beautiful skin.  I dressed weird but back then it wasn't that weird.  I had inexpensive things but I was happy with them.  I looked so carefree and I had a smirk that said, "I am not responsible for anyone. I am just having the time of my life!"

Back then, I was also constantly looking for opportunities and pursuing them. I was driven and very competitive. I had a head full of fresh ideas and I was determined to be successful. 

I guess my youth consumed all of my energy and great physical attributes and now I'm left with very little of them.  Last night, I spent almost half an hour and another half this morning plucking gray hair, getting rid of blackheads, counting laugh lines, holes and dents in my face and trying to figure out a red blemish that just myteriously appeared out of nowhere. 

I am struggling to lose my excess weight even with diet and regular exercise, when in the past all it took to get beach ready is a week of exercise and giving up of dessert.  I got posture lessons from the husband who was trying to help me conceal my big drooping belly and not look like 4 months pregnant. 

I get annoyed quite easily and I have a hard time controlling my temper when I read emails in the morning and somebody at work says or does something stupid.  I keep forgetting stuff and missing meeting appointments even with my Outlook calendar opened right in front of me.  I know I'm not as sharp as I used to be when it comes to learning new things. I used to be really good at multi-tasking--listening to two or more people speaking to me at the same time while I do other things and I'm still able to absorb all of it.  Now, I can see the frustration in my younger staff's face when they try to explain something and it's taking me a while to pick up. I used to be a machine, now I sometimes feel like junk.

Part of it is laziness, I know. But part of it is age.  Laziness I can overcome, but not age.  Some say age is just a number--I'm not so sure I believe in that. Some people are so good at slowing it down and others don't do as well.  But bottomline is, aging happens to all of us whether we like it or not.  And when we age, we age.  There is no stopping it.

Getting old is sad and I think the only way to overcome the sadness of aging is by always having a positive attitude and doing something good about it. Like doing what makes us happy and staying away, if at all possible, from things that annoy us.  Living a healthy life. Reading more and learning new things, even when it gets harder to remember. Playing with kids and learning to be more patient with them. Smiling more and worrying less.

Then again, it's easy to outline the things we need to do. Actually doing it is the real challenge.  In my case, I just hope the universe will cooperate with me and shape my life's events such that they will allow me to stay positive and happy.  This won't change the way I look, but I think it will change the way I feel about aging.

Because right now, I am a 35-year old who feels like 60.

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Photo:  An antique lamp at the Green Valley Ranch, Nevada.  Taken August 2010.