A New Year Message

I thank you for letting me be a part of your day-to-day, your journey, your life.  I thank you for granting me the privilege to see your art, enjoy your talents and appreciate your creativity.  I thank you for continually inspiring me to write, photograph and express myself in the way I know how.  I thank you for allowing me to learn from you, even if I haven't met or known you personally.

It is very humbling to be surrounded by such a talented and wonderful group of people!  I thank you for helping make 2009 yet another memorable year for me!

I wish you and yours a safe, peaceful and joyful New Year 
and may 2010 bring you all you could wish for!

Cheers!
~ Liza ~

Giving Back

So many people lost their jobs this year.  So many people lost their homes and their way of life.  It's hard to imagine what it must be like going home unsure of whether you have a meal or not, or worse, having children and not being able to feed them.

For those of us who are left with jobs, we all too often get so immersed in our own little world that we fail to recognize the challenges that we would have to deal with had we assumed the same fate that others did.  Ultimately, we forget how vulnerable we are.  We may be lucky right now, but even that could change instantaneously!  The reality of it is that we are all at the mercy of the economy and sometimes, no amount of hard work can shield us from the impact of these harsh conditions.

While grocery shopping a couple of weeks ago, the fish vendor at Seafood City (a Filipino grocery store) came up to me and asked if I had old baby clothes that my baby is no longer using.  She obviously saw me pushing Lucas in a stroller and she said she has a small baby who could use some clothes.  My initial reaction was to think "did she really just ask me that? what is she doing asking strangers/customers for clothes?"  So I replied "yeah, maybe I have some old clothes but I'm actually not from here.  I live far away."  This happened in a city called Vallejo, where so many Pinoys live.  It's a 30-minute drive from my place.

She responded, "I see.  That's fine.  Thank you!" and she gave me a genuine smile.  What was I thinking?  For someone to have the guts to come up to a stranger like that and ask for things is a sign of desperation.  And she wasn't doing it for herself, she was doing it for her baby.  Shame on me!  I am a mom too and I should have known that a mom would do anything for her child. 

I was so stricken with guilt!  I went back to her and said "you know what, this is a short drive from my place and yes--I do have old baby clothes and you can have them!"  Her eyes lit while she exclaimed "Really?! You'll remember?!"  Yes, I will remember!  I took her name--Paula, and her work schedule, and I will go back there soon and bring her baby some clothes.

I vowed to give back for all the blessings I have received, and I'm done making excuses.  Sometimes it's easy to say "I want to do something for others but I don't have the time or the energy or the resources to help".  Oh yes, we do!  A few little things here and there--a couple of hours of volunteer work, giving away usable clothing and shoes, a $10-bag of pancake mix that will adequately feed 200 children back home--these little things can go the extra mile and make a whole lot of difference!

Christmas is over, but it's never too late to give back.  So please do....IF you haven't already. 


Photo (grabbed from my dad's FB account):  Just some of the kids that my parents fed last Christmas.  We gave them money to buy themselves the Christmas gifts that they want, but instead they bought lots of bread, pancit and fried chicken and fed the poor families in their hometown of Loon, Bohol.  So proud of them...

Merry Christmas!!!

To all of you, my friends and cyber friends...

I also wish you all a safe and happy New Year, and so many great things coming you way in the year ahead!

CHEERS!!!

I just had to...

...cut his hair! It was a much-needed haircut!

Everyone in my family is telling me to wait until Lucas turns one-year old before cutting his hair. It's a superstition! Some folks believe that when we cut baby's hair before they turn one, they will go bald at some point. Some say they will become stupid ("maka-bugo" kuno).

So where do I stand on superstitious beliefs? I am old-fashioned when it comes to this and I believe in superstition. I observe them ONLY IF I can help it, only if believing doesn't do any harm. But when it is no longer convenient and when harm starts creeping in, I have to let go of my beliefs and do what I think is right.

So today, Lucas had his first haircut! And although his head now looks like a coconut husk (I did an awful job cutting his hair--I should have just left the job to the pros), he's a happy kid! I think the shorter hair made him feel a lot better--no more hair covering his eyes and tickling him inside the ears. I noticed him rub his eyes and scratch his ears less! I think I made the right decision--of giving him a haircut! Of doing it myself? That I'm not so sure!

Extra Special

Right about this time last year, I was four months pregnant. We were very excited about Christmas! Our family finally gathered after years of not spending Christmas together--my parents came, my brother came with his then girlfriend, my sister came with her newborn son. It was my nephew's first Christmas. What a celebration that was!

This year, it's going to be our first Christmas with our son--our first Christmas as a family! Too bad my parents and my brother won't be able to join us this time, but I'm still very excited. The Christmas cards are done, the tree is up! It's Lucas' first Christmas tree! It was hard to find time to do all of them, but they're done! I have a few more decorating to do, a little bit of Christmas shopping, planning for Christmas Eve dinner, and maybe a short trip to Tahoe, if the weather permits, so Lucas can have his first taste of snow. I also plan to do some volunteer work--my idea of giving back this holiday season. I'm doing one tomorrow and hope to do another one before the year ends.

This year, Christmas is going to be extra special! Lucas won't remember it, but I certainly will!

Thanksgiving This Year

Thanksgiving Dinner with Family

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, although only second to Christmas. I like Thanksgiving not only because it gives me a 4-day weekend to spend with family, but also because I think it is such a great tradition that I wish we had also practiced back in the Philippines.

Thanksgiving Day is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the US and Canada. Traditionally, it is a time to give thanks for the harvest and express gratitude in general. While perhaps religious in origin, Thanksgiving is now primarily identified as a secular holiday. (Source: Wikipedia)

While I think we should all give thanks everyday or every chance we get, I think it is also nice that we have a holiday like this to remind us to step back for a little bit, get our minds off work or day-to-day routine, think about our blessings and celebrate them and be thankful for them!

In the past, I'd spend Thanksgiving traveling--seeing places I have never been to or going back to places that I like. But as the years went by, we've shifted to spending Thanksgiving at home with family, friends and loved ones, and I think we're going to carry on this tradition in the years to come.

This year, I hosted Thanksgiving and I decided to keep it really small and intimate by having just my siblings and their families. It was great! The day was more relaxed and I didn't feel the pressure that I'd normally feel when hosting holiday gatherings. Besides, it was also Lucas' first Thanksgiving and we wanted to focus on making this meaningful for him--whatever that means, since he won't remember this anyway.

Lucas' First Thanksgiving

I marinated my turkey a day in advance so on Thanksgiving morning, I just threw it into the oven and spent the rest of the morning playing with Lucas and Nathan, Facebook-ing and texting some friends.

My table was already set as early as 2 o'clock in the afternoon. By 3 o'clock, the Turkey was done and my brother and his wife arrived shortly after.

I made mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy and green bean casserole while catching up with my brother. By 5:30, dinner was ready!

It was all-in-all a great dinner and a lovely celebration. We spent the rest of the evening just hanging out and catching up while also watching CNN Heroes where our fellow countryman Efren Penaflorida was honored as Hero of the Year! That was a proud moment for us and just another thing to be thankful for!

Surprisingly, we didn't feel tired and didn't want to retire for the night. So we decided to head down to the mall for some midnight shopping and check out what Black Friday sale was like this time of year.

Hope everyone else who celebrated Thanksgiving had a good one!

The Things That Matter Most

The things that matter most in our lives

are not the treasures that we acquire along the way

but rather the treasure chest of moments, memories and experiences

shared with the people we love...

{borrowed from a Thanksgiving card I got today}

This Thanksgiving, I think about what I am most grateful for. And I am most grateful for the people in my life--for the family that I have and for having them here with me. I cannot imagine being away from them. I am grateful that God has blessed me with parents and siblings who are still with us in this world. My greatest fear is to lose anyone of them to death. I pray that God will bless us with many more years together. I am grateful for the few but genuine friends that I have. My friends are my extended family.

This Thanksgiving, I also wish that people who are alone will find someone, children who are abandoned will find families, families that are broken will reunite and those who are lost will find their way back home.

I wish everyone a wonderful holiday filled with family, friends, love, laughter, good food, good company and many, many memories to hold close.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

In Six Months

My Lucas turned six months old today. I can't believe it's been six months. I can't believe it's been that long. It seems only very recently when I found myself in that labor and delivery room working the hardest in my entire life, pushing as if my head was going to explode, throwing the last bit of energy in my body into what would become the most enthralling experience I have ever had.

It's been six months since I had Lucas and it's probably been the most interesting six months thus far.

In the last six months, I learned how big of a responsibility parenthood is--bigger than I what I had expected. In the last six months, I realized that lack of sleep can really break us. I've had instances of dizziness and disorientation, and even near accidents (I almost dropped baby once) all because of the lack of sleep. I used to take sleep for granted, sometimes I even considered it a waste of time. Now I think sleep is one of the best things you can do to your body and I regret those times when I had all the opportunity to sleep and I didn't.

In the last six months, I realized that some things we cannot do alone and it's ok to ask for help. I was lucky to have a very supportive husband and parents who never left my side during my first few months of being a mom. I could never have done it alone.

The last six months have been a roller coaster ride! I've never been more happy yet I've never been more challenged. I don't need to tell you all the details because most of you have been there yourselves and you know what I'm talking about. However, to me, the most interesting part of this journey is that while I get to know this strange little person in my arms, I am also getting to know myself more.

I know I need to work on my patience. I need to do better at prioritizing--at keeping a balance between family and career, and still have enough time left for hobbies and recreation. I need to work on giving Charles enough attention. Although he is not asking for it, I know how important it is to keep our relationship alive and in flames. Sometimes he talks to me and I appear to be listening, but my mind is floating elsewhere. I need to change this. I need to pay more attention to my family's needs. I need to be more efficient. I keep finding excuses for not cleaning the house, not ironing the clothes, not clearing my desk of its mess, not reviewing our household expenses, and other little things I have neglected to do.

I realize that I'm not superwoman, but I can still do better and I will. I know I will because I have the support of my family and I am motivated by all these new little tricks and moves that Lucas shows me every single day. Seeing him grow is my reward. Seeing him happy is my fulfillment!

Today, I celebrate not only my son's 6-month birthday, but also my own journey. I celebrate motherhood!

More of Lucas' 6-month celebration here.

Training Lucas

Lucas at 5 months and 3 weeks

When Lucas was only a few weeks old, I remember wishing that he would grow faster. At that time Nathan was six months old and I liked that way he was at that age. It is the stage when they start learning new tricks, when they start becoming very attentive and when they interact and respond when you communicate.

Lucas is turning six months in one week and I can't help but be amazed at how much he has changed. What used to be a rather one-sided relationship between us has now developed into something truly interactive. He now responds to us as if he understands what we are telling him. He smiles back when we cheer him up and he would frown or cry when we scold him. He now reaches his arms when he wants us to pick him up or cuddle him. And he taps our face, head or back--whatever he can reach, when he wants to wake us up.

He now has mood swings too! At times, he would not let anyone touch him but me, other times he would get mad at me and only quiet down when with Charles. We have also started him on solid food and he has started telling us what he likes. We haven't introduced a lot of food variety to him yet but so far, he likes sweet potatoes the most.

What I am not so excited about is training Lucas on things and introducing discipline. For now I just want to give him all the love and attention and not worry about spoiling him. I guess it is easy to do this when you're a parent. Lately, we have let him sleep next to us even after he has already learned how to sleep on his own. And that is because we think we haven't reached the point where we need to start training him.

But now I know that he has almost gone past the stage of being spoil-proof. He is almost at a stage when he will cry not only to communicate his needs, but also to purposely manipulate us or get something that he doesn't need. I was told that as parents we will know how to distinguish between the baby crying for something he needs or crying for something he wants, and it is up to us on how to respond to it knowing that the baby would start seeing a direct relationship between their action and our response.

Now we have to put him back to his crib and leave him alone in his room. We have to start listening closely to how he cries and respond accordingly. We have to endure his screaming and hear him cry out when we know he is just trying to get something he doesn't need. I don't know that I am looking forward to introducing discipline, to establishing patterns and setting limits. But I know it's something we have to deal with at some point and I'm afraid that will have to start soon.

Successful Roast

Dear Tiris,

Thank you for sharing your Roasted Chicken recipe. I tried it tonight and WOW, what a success! It was the juiciest and most flavorful roasted chicken I have ever done (I've roasted chicken before, but none of them even came close to how good this was).

I modified the recipe a bit by using Cornish Game Hen--I think this is the closest we have to native chicken. I roasted two at the same time because Cornish Hen are small. I rubbed the chicken with salt, pepper, rosemarie and garlic powder, and I stuffed it with just spring onions and lemongrass. The smell of lemongrass filled the house, it made my stomach growl the whole time the chicken was roasting.

The sauce I used to baste the chicken was a combination of the drippings, soy sauce, lemon and a little bit of honey, and it gave the skin just a hint of sweetness. Overall, the roasted chicken was so finger-lickin' good, the hub said it was better than Max's. I thought it was waayyy better than Max's. I did not want to leave the dinner table until I finish all of it, but I have to save some for our lunch tomorrow. I cannot wait!

I think I'll be making more roasted chicken in the future. This also inspired the hub to revisit his Soy-braised Chicken, which he does very well, by the way! I thought, "hmmm...bring it on!"

Thanks again and best regards!

Liza

Weekend Guests

They were all my classmates back in high school and we just happen to be in this same side of the world. It all started when one of us and the friendliest of us all, Lori, got in contact with each of us who came here in the US, and brought us together for a weekend reunion in Las Vegas back in 2001. We had so much fun that we decided to see each other at least once a year, and we have been doing just that. In fact, we have been seeing each other more frequently than once a year since then.

We weren't close back in high school. We each hang out with different groups of friends, but that didn't matter. What made our get-togethers even more exciting is the fact that we had different stories and high school memories to share. We all have different personalities, but we get along perfectly well.

Some of us have left and gone to farther places, but some have just come and joined. Others still come no matter how far away they're from. We are, by no means exclusive. We are open to anyone who is interested in our company, yet there have only been a few of us mainstays. I used to call them "former classmates" but now I call them "friends", and I want you to meet them...

Lori
She is probably the closest to me among all the ladies. She was the first one to reach out to me when I came here and made me be a part of something. She is very pretty and she captivates anyone she gives her smile to--men and women alike. She is very friendly to everyone and her thoughtfulness is unmatched. She remembers everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, and she's the only one who sends me no-occasion cards. She was a Bridesmaid at my wedding but she did no less than what a Maid of Honor would do, and I owe her so much for that. Lori and I share a lot of things in common. We like the same things. We both speak Prada (though I hardly wear it). We wear the same size so we spent last Friday night trying on each other's shoes and jeans. She's always fun to talk to and have around and our husbands like each other too. If only she lives close by, I'd probably be seeing her every other day. But she likes sunny San Diego too much to even think about moving.

Minerva
Oh, the sexy and sultry Minerva! I want to have her legs in my second life. She is our answer to Carrie of Sex and the City. Like any fashionista, she looks great with whatever she wears. She can wear this (photo above) at a hiking trail in Muir Woods and get away with it! She has the nicest of things. I am jealous of her Balenciagas and Louboutins and other things that I can only wear in my dreams. But beneath this appearance is somebody even more beautiful--a very, very generous soul. Despite having a wealthy husband, she works hard and sends pretty much all her earnings back home to support relatives. Currently, she has six scholars--four in high school and two in college. Some of her prior scholars didn't do well, some abused her kindness and took advantage of her generosity but that didn't stop her from helping other people. She gives without expecting anything in return and I used to joke with her that if she runs mayor of her town in Bohol, there's no doubt she'll win a landslide victory!

Josephine
Jo is the talker of the group. You'll know it when she arrives because you can hear her from afar. There is never a dull moment with her because she speaks with passion--and with animation! She loves to cook and is very good at it! Her Lumpia is to die for and her Steak is super delicious! Jo just got married to a great guy named Tony. I was 9 months pregnant when she wed but I had to drag my big belly to her wedding because I just couldn't miss it for the world! She chose well. She's a perfectionist. She's like Bree of Desperate Housewives (except that she's not desperate)--one with a good career, at the same time an ideal homemaker! Jo is kind of scared about children right now--she was the most awkward at holding Lucas. But I can totally see her raising children--very disciplined ones, ones who love being home because they have a super fun mom who can feed them with super good food!

Kathleen
Kathleen is like the baby of the group. Everyone of us looks out for her. Kathleen always has this big smile on her face--the kind of smile that sticks to my head so that when I think about Kathleen, I always picture her smiling. She is very cheerful and carefree, as if everything around her is perfect. Yet beneath that smiling face is a very tough and spirited human being--one that has been through a lot, one that has fought many battles and won them all! Anyone who knows what Kathleen had gone through will admire her strength. She also has a medical condition that may not be curable and that prohibits her from doing a lot of things. But she doesn't let it get in the way and stop her from living life and enjoying it to the fullest!

Joy

Joy started joining us only very recently, so I really don't know her that much yet. It hasn't been long since she got here in the US. I didn't hang out with Joy back in high school but I knew since then that she is a very kind person. I want to spend more time with her and know her better, so I hope she will continue to join us on these get-togethers. I remember Joy as a Class Treasurer and a very honest one at that. I thought she would end up an Accountant but she turned out to be a Physical Therapist instead, which I'm sure she's also very good at. She is very patient and she loves taking care of people. She talks about some of her patients and how some of them refuse treatment and are mean to care providers like her, but she understands that people can't always be nice when they are sick. She's got nothing but positive things to say about people.

There is another friend of ours, Lolit, who was unable to join us this time because there's so much going on in her life right now--she just had a baby and she and her family just moved to a different state in the midwest. We all missed Lolit and hope she will be able to join us again as soon as she is settled in her new home.

Remembering...

** The Palace of Fine Arts, San Francisco **

I've been quiet here lately because I've been very occupied at work. I traveled for the most part of the last two weeks and so every little time I can spend at home, I spend it with my son. But I miss everyone that I stalk here in the blog world and I miss blogging as well.

I meant to write about my Halloween experience here. This is way too outdated but bear with me because this has been in my mind for the last two weeks, and I just need to let it out.

Since I came to the US, Halloween has been a totally different experience. Or should I say--a brand new experience? We never celebrated Halloween back home, but we celebrated and observed All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day. For the past nine years, what used to be All Saints' and All Souls Day turned into Halloween, Costume Parties, Candies, Trick-or-treats and Mardi Gras at the Castro. This year, I was more excited about Halloween because for the first time, we had little ones to dress up. At work, we planned to have our kids over for a Halloween party. At home, I was expecting my sister and we were to take Lucas and Nathan trick-or-treating around the neighborhood. We got so excited about these little things that we forgot all about All Saints' and All Souls Day!

Halloween came and we called home to tell ma and pa what Lucas and Nathan were wearing, and to tell them to check Facebook because we just posted photos of the kids in their costumes. Mom got pretty upset when she learned that we did not even go to church. It felt horrible right there and then. Mom was right about everything. It was the time to remember our loved ones who passed away. It was the time to remember our unborn babies--those babies we miscarried and who we believe are now little angels watching over us and our families. We had a tradition that wasn't forced on us, but something that we believed and practiced growing up. And this time, we hardly remembered.

I had almost forgotten how important these holidays and traditions were back home, and how much I looked forward to it. We made All Souls' Day a lot of fun! We would all go back to our ancestral home in Loon, Bohol, cook a nice dinner and say the novena before the meal. We called this "Pahinungod sa mga Kalag". During the day, we would camp out at the cemetery, bring food and music, meet old friends and hear mass. Those were fun times and great memories!

Here, Lucas will have a different set of memories whether I like it or not. I don't know how much of our tradition I can share with him, but I do hope that he will at least know about it. As for me, I am grateful that I still have parents who remind me of things that I start to overlook. And I hope that someday, I can visit home on an All Saints' and All Souls' Day and experience the family tradition all over again!

Catching Up

As some of you may have noticed in my Facebook account, I am catching up on baby photos. I am a little bummed that I didn't take lots of glamour shots of Lucas and Nathan when they were smaller--when they were sleepier and fuzzier, when presumably it was easier to have them pose.

But I guess I haven't really missed the window of opportunity that much. I like it that Lucas can now look at the camera and smile. And when he is sleeping, he doesn't wake up so easily when I move him so I can still pretty much do whatever I want, including setting him up with a cute pose. I guess I got lucky because he does cooperate and I am taking full advantage of it before he changes and becomes camera-shy (I heard most little boys do).

***

This photo of Lucas made it to etsy.com. This is where I bought his Christmas hat. The vendor asked if I can send a photo of her product being used and so I did. The vendor liked the photo and so she asked if she can use it on her web page. In exchange for it, she will give me a free hat of my choice--anything I like, even a customized one. I liked the idea of a trade! And the free hat would only mean another good photo opp. Besides that, the winter is coming and Lucas can definitely use a nice hat to keep his head warm.

The very day the vendor posted the photo, she sold out her Christmas hats! She asked for my website so she can promote my work. I said I don't have one so she featured me in her blog instead. She called me a "photographer". She is very kind.

***

About 15 minutes ago, my cousin gave birth to a healthy, bouncy baby boy. I have been monitoring her progress all day and I am so relieved that she is finally through it. I am so thrilled for her and her hubby and so excited to meet their little guy. I can't wait for her baby photos!

_____________

Photo: Lucas showing his angelic (kuno) pose. Because of this photo, my colleagues are now calling him "Baby Einstein" for obvious reasons. I hope he will get Einstein's brain too! :-)

Countdown to Christmas

1.5 months before Christmas: Christmas Cards

Last year, we sent out Christmas cards early in December but our family and friends in the Philippines did not receive them until February. Yeah--seriously!

So I have decided that this year I am going to send Christmas cards early--as early as mid-November for those going out to the Philippines and early December for those going out to other countries.

I enjoy making cards myself but it takes a lot of time, and art materials here are expensive. So instead I just design them with the help of iPhoto or online tools like Shutterfly or Kodak Gallery. To me, sending cards are so personal so I make it even more personal by using photos. I used to find photocards so cheesy but I later learned to like them and appreciate the efforts put into them.

This year I am even more excited about our card because we are going to have a baby in the picture! I didn't waste time buying Lucas a Christmas hat for the photoshoot as well as another Christmas outfit so I have options. I take photos of him every chance I get and when I have enough photos to choose from, I'll pick one of them for our Christmas card.

I am lucky enough to have a baby who loves being in front of the camera. I just hope he won't change. He smiles a lot and believe me, he follows instructions too--as if he understands. When I took the photo above, I let him grab his feet, told him to hold it steady (so his assets won't show) and then smile. And he did just that! This is one of my favorite shots of him!

I haven't decided if I'll use this photo for the card. I might pick one where he's not showing too much skin or I might use a family photo. We'll see...

LongSiLog

The hub and I made breakfast together this morning. Yes, he does help with the cooking sometimes--when (1) he wants to chat while I'm cooking, (2) he feels like learning how to cook, or (3) he's too hungry and he sees that I'm not close to serving food. Reason #1 is the most common and that was why he helped today. I like it when he's in kitchen while I cook. I find that it's a good way to spend quality time with each other.

This is what we ended up with...

Longanisa (Sausage), Sinangag (Fried Rice) and Itlog (Egg) or Longsilog. I was in the mood for Pinoy breakfast. I wanted to cook Bulad (Dried Fish) but it was too cold to cook outside (I always cook Bulad outside so the house won't stink).

We usually just have bread for breakfast because it's quick and easy. But once in a while we'll have a real meal--and a real Filipino meal at that. It's just one of those things we do to bring us closer to home.

Our Story

He and I met in the oddest of circumstances! We worked together in a small company in Cebu but we didn't meet until we were about to leave for the US to get some training--we met at the airport. Well, I was the one about to get trained. He was already going back and forth our Cebu and US offices working as a consultant.

Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined being married to him. When we first met and even after we became very close friends for a few years, we were dating other people. We were both in serious relationships--his was far more serious than mine considering that he and the girl had been together for about 15 years or so.

He was also not my definition of a "dream guy". I wanted somebody "European-ish", one who's tall, dark and sexy--the "maginoo-pero-medyo-bastos" kind of guy. He is Chinese, very fair and good-looking in a different way. He is very well put-together and diplomatic--not the kind I was looking for. But he is kind, smart, witty and never boring, and that was more than enough to make me fall for him!

We both moved to the US on a company-sponsored working visa. During the first year of our US existence, we lived together in a corporate house, shared the company car, went to the same workplace, ate together, traveled together and shared the same friends. We were away from our family, friends and support groups, and we only had each other. We were in an environment and in a situation that was very conducive to emotional attachment, and if I may say--"romance". To make the long story short, we fell in love!

It took a long time before he and I made our relationship official--I don't think we ever did until we got engaged. And this is because he was committed to someone else. Being with me was probably one of the toughest decisions he had to make. It was very hard on him. He did not want to hurt people, especially those he loved. He took a lot of risk choosing me and a lot of sacrifices in the process. Yet, he didn't get much credit for what he did.

Instead, some people thought he was such a jerk (pardon me for using this word) for what he did to her--for keeping such a lengthy relationship with her that ended up in nothing. But what he did was honest and fair to him, to her and to everybody involved. Yes, he may have hurt people in the process, but for once he did something for himself! He did what he felt was right! And just like everybody else, he deserves the freedom to choose especially when the rest of his life is at stake!

As for me--yes, I do sometimes feel that I am a bad person. I wrecked somebody's hopes and dreams and I stole somebody's future. But none of these things I meant to do! Someone once asked me if I feel sorry about what happened and if I should ask for forgiveness. Why? How can I be sorry for loving someone? I did not wish for us to happen--it just did. And if only one can choose how to feel towards someone, I would not have chosen to love him.

For what it's worth and if it's any consolation that is, he really did love her! His feelings for her was genuine and he had the noblest of intentions. I know that for sure because I have never seen him cry harder than he did when he broke up with her to be with me. I felt his pain. I felt his regrets. I was with him during those times when he could hardly comprehend how to forgive himself for hurting somebody he cared for. I understood and I hope she understood as well--that some things are just not meant to be! And I can only hope that someday, sometime in the future, she will come to know everything--that it wasn't as easy for him as some people may have thought, and it was no celebration for anyone, not even myself!

Today, I look at him and see how happy he is! We have a beautiful child--a testament of our love. It's a pity that we had to go through a lot of pain to get to where we are, but it's comforting to know that however great the pain you inflict upon yourself and others, something beautiful will come out of it--if, and only if, you follow your heart!

Happy Birthday, Love!

When it's his birthday, I feel like it's my birthday too! I get so excited!

I have to admit that this year, I almost forgot about it (sorry, beybee!). Since having Lucas, there are more and more things to think about and I noticed that I have become forgetful of dates, special events and occasions. But thanks to Friendster--it sent me a reminder more than a week in advance and I had to think about it everyday so I won't forget until the day comes.

I love surprises--I love to surprise people and I love to be surprised! So Lucas and I surprised daddy today. I drove to work this morning, stayed in the office for about an hour and left. I picked up cake and drove home to pick up Lucas, and then we headed to daddy's work. By the time we got there, it was a little past lunch time--perfect time for dessert!

His eyes got so big and his smile so wide when he saw us! It was priceless! I did so much driving today, but seeing him smile like that makes everything worthwhile. He deserves it! He deserves more!

Happy, happy Birthday...

...to the man who stole my heart,

...to the one who gives me reason to live life and enjoy every minute of it,

...to the one who makes me a proud wife,

...to the one who gave me my beautiful son,

...to my one, my only, my dearest Charles!

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***Photo: Reposting one of my favorite photos of Charles***

For you, son...

Today, as I was sorting through Lucas' clothes, trying to put away the ones that will no longer fit, I found myself looking at his newborn clothes and be amazed at how tiny they are.  I couldn't help but wonder, "how on earth did he fit into these clothes???".

And then it hit me--my baby has grown!  And soon enough--before I even know it, he'll be a baby no more!  It's going to come faster than I have ever imagined, and somehow it saddens me.

There are times when I wish he could grow faster--that he could soon talk, walk and play.  But other times I wish he'll just stay where he is and just be my baby forever!

My dearest boy Lucas, you have no idea how very fond I am of you!  Your dad is too!  I wish you can just be my baby forever, but I realize you'll grow and thrive, and you should!  Do mommy and daddy a favor--when you're old enough to understand, know it in your heart that you are very much loved and cared for.  You are our most precious possession!

Do well, my son.  Do well...

Pandan on my Waffle

The sweet aroma of Pandan filled the house and woke my guests up early Sunday morning.  I love cooking on Sundays (and some Saturdays too) and this past Sunday I treated everyone in the household with Pandan waffles.

It was my first attempt at the recipe, which I got here, and I am very happy with how it turned out.  I ate my share without anything on it--no butter, no syrup, no whipped cream or any toppings whatsoever!  

Next thing I'll try to do is modify the recipe.  I like my waffles a little bit chewy so maybe I'll replace a portion of the self-rising flour with Mochi flour.  Then I might sprinkle the batter with a little bit of coconut flakes!  Hmmm... I can smell it already!  I can't wait for the weekend--KAON NA SAD!!!

You guys should try it!  If waffles are your thing and you like the smell of Pandan, I think you will like this! =)

Back On My Feet

In the last four months or so, our little world has revolved around Lucas.  Almost everything is about him.  We have adjusted our work schedules, we now carefully choose the places we go, the time of day we leave the house, our activities, even the food I eat!  Time also seems so short.  With work and the baby, there seems to be not enough time in a day to do all the things we are meant to do.  Like many others who have had kids, our life has drastically changed.  And there are times that I can't help but miss the life we once had--one that was still fast-paced, yet more unperturbed and stress-free.

I have to admit that on my first couple of weeks back at work, I wasn't really that focused.  Part of me wasn't back yet.  Everyday I worry about Lucas.  I had a lot of things to do at work, but I didn't feel like doing them.  Every once in a while I would glance at the clock and see if it was almost time to leave.  At exactly 5:30, I would storm out of the office and head home, and while driving I was so impatient with traffic--the kind of traffic that I had already been used to, the traffic that had already been a part of my day-to-day.  This wasn't me anymore, I wasn't myself!

Recently, I had to travel to our head office in Minnesota.  I wasn't excited for it because the thought of leaving Lucas made me very anxious.  Little did I know that this trip was going to change everything.  

And so I traveled and left Lucas with Charles and his "Nana" for three whole days.  Sure, I missed him a lot!  But it was also then that I realized how much I missed work and how much I missed traveling!  I missed the feel of flying, the convenience of a hotel, of king-size bed and ultra plush pillows that I don't have to share with anyone.  I missed going to the office and not having to drive myself.  I missed going to meetings and conferences and brainstorming with extremely smart people.  And as an added bonus, I got to sleep straight through the night and didn't have to wake up until my alarm went off in the morning!  YES!!!

The trip was very productive, and I came back feeling that I now have a lot of direction.  Now, my energy is on a different level.  I am myself again!  I am back on my feet and ready to face more challenges as they come!  

I no longer consider work as my main job.  It is now second to parenting!  Life after Lucas is the greatest and I don't want to go back to being without him.  But you gotta turn around and glance every so often and work has allowed me to do that.  It is an outlet through which I can get a glimpse of the life that once was--the life that I had before I took on the greatest of responsibilities.

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Photo:  My sister trying on a pair of purple booties that I brought back from my trip and my nephew now starting to walk

In the Mood for Food

I've been eating a lot lately.  In fact, I've gained back almost half of the pounds that I lost in the past three months, while breastfeeding Lucas.

I crave mostly for food that I couldn't have when I was pregnant.  I'm usually not big on sweets, but lately I've been getting extra portions of desserts--ice cream, cakes, pies, brownies, and even stocked on diet soda and ice tea.  I crave for seafood--shellfish in particular.  I couldn't get enough of oysters--a favorite appetizer, or a warm bowl of clam chowder from Monterey.  And oh, how I'd love to have some of those crispy, spicy calamari from a Chinese place in San Jose--they make calamari so well!

I'm still three pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight, and thirteen pounds away from my ultimate goal.  But with an appetite bigger than my will to lose, such goal is becoming more unrealistic, or rather impossible.

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Photo:  Kumamoto oysters in half shell--I like them raw or slightly warm from the grill.

The Mission

I love hearing mass at this old church called Mission San Carlos Borromeo de Carmelo, also known as the Carmel Mission.  Going here reminds me of home--of the old stone churches in Loon and Baclayon, Bohol.   This place has a different kind of solemnity in it that I just have not experienced from other churches here.

Built in 1770 in nearby Monterey, this is easily one of the most historic places in the country and is registered as a U.S. National Historic Landmark.   A year after it was built, the church was relocated to its current location in present-day town of Carmel-by-the-Sea.  This place was the site of the first Christian confirmation in California and holds the state's very first public library (source: www.wikipedia.com).

Unlike home, we don't see a lot of churches like this in California (or maybe I just haven't explored enough).  

This Little Town

I fell in love with this little town the very moment I stepped foot on it years ago.

This is where I dreamed big while staring at the vastness of the sea, and that dream has since come true.

This is where my first car got its one and only dent, when I was cruising along its narrow streets without paying attention to my driving because I was too captivated by its magnificent views.

This is where I first wished I had a nice camera so I can capture the clear blue skies, the ocean, the birds, the trees, and the romance shared by lovers at Lovers' Point.

This is where we buried my unborn nephew who, we believe, is now up in heaven among other little angels, and watching over us.

We frequent this little town called Pacific Grove not only because it is a short twenty minute drive from my sister's place, but because it is simply beautiful and captivating.  

And just recently, we found another reason to go there--this little town has a lot of little shoppes and boutiques that offer nice things at pretty reasonable prices.

In A Nutshell...

The past week flew by like a breeze, and this week is equally going fast.  My last few days have been very interesting, and I mean it in a positive way (hmm...some are not so positive).  

Lots going on, but here's how it's been in a nutshell...

• Finally went back to work with mixed emotions.  I am still getting over my parents' departure.  On the other hand, work got me distracted.

• It was so hard to leave home and Lucas on my first day back at work, but knowing Charles was there with him for the week made me feel a lot better.

• My boys bonded so well!  Charles said he is so glad he stayed home that week.  I think he is enjoying fatherhood a lot.  He seems very happy.  And I'm happy that he's happy!

• It was my first time to be away from work that long.  I thought it'd be strange going back and that I'd be terribly missing home.  But when I stepped in to the office, for some reasons I felt so happy.   I felt myself again!  I didn't realize how much I missed work and my colleagues.

• Oh and walking around the city, in my high heels, and not dragging a big fat tummy felt AWESOME!

• My job has evolved.  My new role is less Finance and more Product Management, which I like better.  I am very excited!  They are giving me a new title too!  I can only wish this change comes with more money, but I guess not.  But that's ok!  I cannot ask so much--not during these difficult economic times.  Heck, I'm just happy I still have a job!

• Finally found Lucas a nanny!  YIPEEEEE!!!  I just hope she works out (fingers crossed).

• My cousin J has gestational diabetes.  Although this was expected, I still feel sorry for her. I hope she can manage this with just diet, and not have to take insulin shots like me and my sister.  I am looking forward to her baby shower!

• Lucas cried the hardest for the first time last night.  I don't know if it was tummy ache, hunger, the many strangers around him or mere tantrums.  But whatever it was, it was enough to scare the hell out of me!  I tried to look composed and under control, but I was really worried sick!  By the way, it happened at my aunt's place when Lucas met his nanny for the first time.  My little dude made quite an impression!

***

Photo:  A dead anthurium at Gilroy Gardens, Gilroy, California

'Til Then...

                         there were tears in his eyes when he kissed the little boys goodbye...

                         my heart almost stopped. It was a moment I didn't want to see come...

                         his words were filled with gratitude, yet his smile filled with regret--

                         ...regret that he will miss those fun and lovely family weekends,

                         ...regret that he won't be around to witness the boys' firsts--

                         --their first steps, first words, first birthdays.

                         my parents have left and we had a tearful parting...

                         we will miss them, but they will miss us more...

                         yet again, I now have something to look forward to--

                         --the day they will return, the day we will be together once again.

                         until then...

Today

I was checking my emails and he was right beside me in his bouncer, staring at his fingers (which he does a lot lately).  I only glanced at my monitor and after a split nanosecond I looked at him again and saw his nose bleeding.  He scratched his nose--no, he sliced it with his fingernail.  He sliced it pretty bad and it wouldn't stop bleeding so I had to put a little band-aid on it.  Lucas had his first injury today.

I try to keep up with his fast-growing fingernails by trimming it once in every two or three days.  I remember just trimming them the other day right after I gave him a bath.  I guess I have to do it more often.  We don't put mittens on him because it hinders his ability to explore.

I know that kids are prone to injuries so this is going to be the first of many.  As a mom, all I can do is be prepared for it and take precautions.

_______________________

I received an email from the editor of Schmap.com--an online city guide (similar to citysearch.com).  They wanted to publish a link to one of my photos on their website.   To see it, click here or just go to Schmap.com, select San Francisco, then Conservatory of Flowers and browse through the photos.  There are so many photos, you may not see it if you're not patient enough but it's there!  =)

To some photographers, this is nothing.  But to me, it's quite something.  At least one website editor (or staff) recognized my work and I'd be lying if I say I'm not flattered.

Still looking...

How do I know if they will treat him well?  How will I know that they will pay close attention to his needs, and that other kids won't pinch him and hurt him?  He can't complain.  He can't tell me how his day went.  How am I supposed to feel at ease everyday, every minute knowing that my very young child is in some place with some people we don't know and trust?

I think every parent who sends her kid to daycare worry about the same thing and now is my turn to feel that way.  If I was listening to somebody else telling me this, I would probably say "just think about the thousands of kids being sent to daycare everyday and they turn out ok...".  But now that I'm talking about my own, it feels totally different.  I am not just worried about him, I am scared!  

Unfortunately, it is hardly possible to hire an experienced nanny here without spending a fortune.  And it's probably harder to find somebody you know and trust to look after your kid.  At least back home we get a lot of referrals.  Here we don't know a lot of people, so we don't get referrals.

One more week left and I have to go back to work.  Charles is taking a week off so this buys us another week to look for a sitter or a daycare center.  Two weeks is not a lot of time to find one and I am really stressing out!

I wish my parents didn't have to leave.  I wish I didn't have to go back to work soon.  I wish my sister lived next door.  I wish... and I pray that the good heavens will send me a miracle!

The Project

Blue, green, brown or gray?

Two colors or two tones of the same color?

Paint or wallpaper?

Cherry or Dark Espresso furniture?

The options are endless.  It took us a couple of weeks to plan--more than a week just to choose between cherry and espresso furniture.  We spent several hours during the day (and night) just staring at the wall covered with different paint samples.

But as soon as we made our choices, the execution was quite a breeze.  My dad and I both love to paint and I enjoy furniture assembly.  It was so nice to see everything slowly coming together.

We picked two tones of Blue (Charles felt very strongly about this color--he said we already have a lot of green and brown in the house), paint and wallpaper borders, and dark espresso furniture.  I added white drapes for the window, a matching valance, and dark wood frames for the wall art.

Our nursery is finally done and Lucas was happy to see it.  But when we let him sleep there for the first time last night, he looked a bit confused.  He spent a lot of time lurking around the room, staring at the walls and then he cried as if thinking we brought him to a totally different place and that we're going to leave him there!  Charles and I slept in the room as well so Lucas knows we are close by, and we'll probably do so for a few more days or weeks or until Lucas is comfortable sleeping there on his own.

As for me, I had this strange feeling about moving Lucas to his own room.  I felt so sad, I felt as if I was letting him go and I didn't want to.  If only he can sleep with us forever...

Oh dear, I can see myself sobbing when he finally goes to Daycare!

Goodbye...For Now

My parents are going home to the Philippines in three weeks--something we hoped would not happen until three more months from now. Our request to extend their stay in the US did not get approved for reasons I will not even start mentioning here because none of them made any sense to me. So sadly, they will have to leave the country rather soon.

Apparently, the Homeland Security personnel who was tasked to make a decision on whether to grant or deny our request wasn't considerate enough. Or maybe he/she was just too shallow to understand our intent and so he/she chose to interpret it his/her own way, which obviously did not work to our advantage. They should have at least checked the records of their prior visits--my parents always left on time and never extended. This time, although my parents provided proof that they will leave the country on a certain date, the adjudicator said it is still not evidence that they intend to stay here only temporarily. How exactly do you prove intent?

What I don't understand is why people like my parents, who follow the rules and take the time to go through all the shenanigans of filing an application to extend with a valid enough reason would be denied such extension. Homeland Security should at least appreciate the fact that despite their lousy efforts to control the upsurge of illegal immigrants in their country (because it's fairly easy to be an illegal immigrant here), there are still some people like my parents who are honest and compliant enough to ensure that every single day they spend here is legitimate. Unfortunately, they don't appreciate that!

If I sound so bitter about this, it's because I am! I am upset not only because I thought I won't have to worry about someone watching Lucas when I go back to work (I'd hate to send him off to daycare at such a tender age) but more importantly because I am bummed that while some of us value our family a great deal, others don't even understand the concept of it. Maybe the adjudicator doesn't get the importance of bringing family together or maybe he/she is just living a miserable life and so he/she wants others to be miserable as well.

My heart is breaking right now. The thought of my parents leaving so soon makes me feel terribly sad. In fact, writing this is so darn difficult. I wasn't prepared for this--I thought they were going to be with us much longer. Today, I saw my dad start packing and I just couldn't hold back tears, I had to hide. I miss them already! I worry so much about them when they're back home--when they're by themselves. This is the time when I wish I hadn't come to the US at all!

So I guess it's goodbye for now. But I comfort myself by thinking that they'll be back soon and I really hope they will.

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Photo:  My parents with Lucas and my nephew, Nathan at Bonfante Falls, Gilroy Gardens, California

Being Mom

In less than a month, I shall be returning to work and I am not very excited about it.  I honestly don't see myself being an 'at-home' mom so I do want to go back to work, but not right now, not soon.  I don't think I am ready for it just yet.

There are so many things that I have set out to do while on leave--repaint and redecorate the house, print some of my photos and hang them, change my name, change my looks, finish those baby scrapbooks, among other things.  It's been two months, yet I have not accomplished a single one of them.  I have not even started working on the nursery and now it's almost about time for Lucas to move to his own room.  

When I was at work, I'd feel productive and accomplished at the end of every day.  Lately though, at the end of every week I'd look back and think about what I have accomplished for that week.  Most of the time I just can't come up with anything specific.  Sometimes I feel worthless.  Sometimes I wonder "what have I done in the two months that have passed?".

On the other hand, I'd look at Lucas and see a whole different perspective.  Every time I play with him and he smiles, every time I feed him and he's filled, when he smells fresh and good because I changed and bathed him, and when he cries and only I can soothe him--I feel a great deal of satisfaction because I know that I spent everyday with him, I have bonded with him the most and that I know him more than anybody else does.  

And I guess there's my answer--in the last two months, I did nothing but be a mom to him and I don't think I need to persuade anyone, including myself of how tough that job is.  

Some Happy Thoughts

I met my former classmate--the one I referred to in this blog. Yes, she did show up and we had an interesting conversation. I have to say that I learned a lot that night--about the things that she does for work and fun, her travel experiences and tips on where to stay and what to do in some places that I too want to visit. I was also able to clear some things with her--things that were once speculations, things that she or I may have misinterpreted in the past. Well, we also did what couldn't be helped and that's gossip a little about other former classmates of ours. I hate to admit, but this was the most fun part of the conversation.

I left the meeting happy and I think we both gained a different intuition towards each other. And I am all the more convinced now that people can really change and some of them do.

*****

My Lucas laughed for the first time today. He normally lets loose a big smile whenever I kiss his neck, but this time he didn't just smile. He burst into a loud chuckle.

He also now interacts. When we talk to him he responds by either smiling or babbling.

*****

It's only been 7 weeks since I had Lucas, but I am now 3 pounds shy of hitting my pre-pregnancy weight! And that's without diet and exercise! My dietician set my target at 3 months, I over-achieved. To all new moms--breastfeed!!!

*****

I recently got me some new summer clothes at unbelievably great prices! This is the time when most stores put seasonal items on sale to get rid of them and replace their inventory with next-season ones. Well, maybe for retailers it's time to sell for the fall but I don't think this warm weather is fading out soon. I see myself wearing summer clothes 'til September.

*****

I would have missed out on a sale of my favorite jeans if the hub didn't tell me about it. I love it that he supports my inclination to shop. Or maybe he was trying to help me find a deal because he knew I would get those jeans eventually anyway [grin]. Well, unlike before I now shop in moderation and Charles understands our (women's) needs.

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Photo: My Lucas at 7 weeks and 4 days.